Take Me to Church by Hozier

My lover’s got humor
She’s the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody’s disapproval
I should’ve worshiped her sooner

If the Heavens ever did speak
She is the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

‘We were born sick,’ you heard them say it

My church offers no absolution
She tells me, ‘Worship in the bedroom’
The only heaven I’ll be sent to
Is when I’m alone with you

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I’m a pagan of the good times
My lover’s the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

To drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That’s a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We’ve a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No masters or kings
When the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean
Amen. Amen. Amen

[Chorus 2x]

Will to Live

What does having a will to live even mean? I understand will to survive. I have felt that before. Is a will to live something you are born with? Acquire? Can you lose it? To me, I guess it means the things that keep you from taking a flying leap off of an office building. I have a few things that have kept me alive the past 17 years:

1. My selfishness
2. My selflessness
3. My ridiculously large ego
4. Food…
5. My fear
6. My humor
7. My patheticness
8. And food
9. The powers that be
10. My yearning for success

You are probably wondering a few things like “are half of these even words” or “food?”. Maybe even “umm…what about family and friends?!” Well let me explain my dear confused readers. First a flash to the past: I have tried to commit suicide in the past, thrice. That is where the powers that be came in, it didn’t happen. Maybe I didn’t want it enough, but I certainly tried hard enough. It was after the whole abuse situation. If you want to investigate that situation go to my post Abuse: Behind the Scenes.

Anyways, so that explains the powers that be. Now for the selfishness, everytime I am struggling and feeling the need to “drift off”, I think about my future. I want to go to college. I want to follow my dreams and own businesses and be rich. What if I was supposed to become a millionaire?! What if I won the lottery but the day before I had a really tough time and decided to end it. I think that the fact that I am semi-optimistic, an opportunist, and selfish kept me alive today.

The second part is my selflessness. I know that I’m not supposed to be selfless and selfish, but I make the rules here so… Anyways, when I think about not being alive anymore, I think of my family. I always wonder what they would do without me, for example I’m afraid my sister would blame herself and I don’t want to do that to her. Would she move on? Would she hate herself? I remember once we had gotten in a fight, I went upstairs and laid on the floor by the door and eventually fell asleep. She went to open the door and hit me with it. She closed the door and went downstairs and when I got up and followed after a few minutes she was really shaken up. I can’t remember exactly, but she said she thought I was dead, or hurt myself. So I imagine if that was what had really happened, she would be distraught. Another thing, I know a lot of people who commit suicide do it because they believe they are a burden and that if they died, the people would be better off. Well I can’t think that. I sometimes think I am a burden and she would be better off, but that isn’t my decision to make for her. Also, when someone dies, their problems don’t just dissipate. All of that person’s issues and heartache distribute to their loved ones. That is the most selfish thing a person can do, I believe. I am not one to dump my problems on others and I am not willing to make other people’s decisions. I suppose my stubborness has also kept me alive!

One of my other things that has kept me going is my HUGE ego. A lot of people are thinking “Oh whatever…can’t be that big.” No. Its huge. Once when I was in a very depressive state, someone had asked me if I was going to attempt suicide. I turned around and replied “I wouldn’t want to rob the world of me!” Yeah…suicide would be non-existent if everybody just adopted my ego…there is a lot to go around. My humor is also something that has kept my head above water. I laugh at myself, irony, and the wrath of the gods and terrible luck that always finds me. My sister and I will have a great day, then something terrible happens, like we get into a car accident. Yes, it seems bad. As long as we find out that everyone is fine and a little while after the situation, we sit there and joke about how we can’t ever just enjoy the good things because something terrible will come and smack us in the head.

Food. I love food too much to go without it.

Fear- I have an irrational fear of the unknown. I am not afraid of death itself at all. Death is natural, just like birth. I am terrified of after though. I am not afraid of nothingness. I don’t want to go to a heaven or hell. I don’t want to be reborn and go through the struggles of living in another form. I just want to be gone. Thats it.

My patheticness is less of what keeps me alive, and more what prevents me from dying. I am too sentimental. I am too rational. Everytime suicide pops into my head, all of these reasons flood in and I just can’t do it. I am glad I can’t do it.

Everyone has something that keeps them going. They have their wills to live. Sometimes we lose whatever we were living for, kids, siblings, parents, friends. But that’s when we just have to find something new. Everyone has a will to live even if they don’t think about it. The first step to surviving and making the first thing that you live for, yourself. You can never lose yourself. Times get tough. Some just want to fade away into nothingness and think everyone would be better for it. Maybe your daughter died and your world is dark. Yes, it would be easier to slip into the shadows and end the pain. You know whats harder? Getting up and going out there and living for you and the peoples lives who you will touch. Your daughter died? Well the same thing happened to someone else that you will cross paths with, share your story and ignite her will to live. You will change her life forever. You can’t do that if your dead. Sometimes its bigger than us. We just have to figure that out.

Abuse: Behind the Scenes

I always see these abuse victims who come out and talk about their abuse and how they still struggle but they are survivors. They might discuss the abuse details or some of the affects it had on them. I never see people talking about the PTSD and the pain and terror and nightmares as its happening. I decided I am going to tell you about that part. The part that no one really discusses. First of all, I have an internal struggle between being a victim or being a survivor.  Technically I am a survivor because the abuse is over. If I am a survivor,  why do I feel like such a victim? I have a large ego and see myself as this strong,  conquer anything person. It gets harder to rebuild that each time I find myself balled up in the shower. I am going to give you a very vague background, I was sexually abused by my father when I was around ten (somewhere in that age range) and it lasted 2 years and some months. I went to court, he is in prison now and will be for 20-30 years. He just appealed and I guess that is what is stirring things up. Right after I came out about the abuse, I would have horribly realistic nightmares so bad that I would wet the bed. I would be sitting in class and have a flashback where I could feel, smell, taste, everything inside that flashback and I would shake and want to cry in the middle of class. I had severe PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it and I tended to bullshit (sorry for the language) my counselors. After ia few months I said I was over it and I started cutting. I got put into a mental hospital for that for a few days and then I got sent to a residential treatment center that I think scarred me more than the abuse! Then I went to live with my sister and started a stealing phase that ended when I got arrested. Its extremely difficult when everyone is telling you how strong you are, that sharing your story could help people, and that you should write a book. I hated that. What do you write in a book? Every detail? I felt like no one would want to read that! Also my story is so minimal compared to others. The people who should be writing books are those women that were kidnapped for over ten years and used basically as sex slaves and escaped. Not me. Anyways moving on to currently,  I thought I was over it. I even sent him a letter saying that I forgave him and also to buzz off. Then at school I smelt something that triggered a flashback and I was so shaken up that I didn’t tell anyone. That was a few months ago. Then I took a shower and the noise triggered a continuous real of flashbacks. When they had run their course I was in fetal position on the floor of my bathtub with cold water running over me. I felt so dirty that I turned on the water as hot as it would go until my skin was numb and red. Then I went and sat on the couch. My sister was eating dinner and she saw I was shaken up so I texted her what happened. Then I went to my room and I cried silently wrapped up in my blanket and wouldn’t even let my pups in. I don’t like crying because not only is it messy but I feel vulnerablr and weak when I cry so I don’t do it very often. My sister came in and layed on the bed and patted my hair and kept telling me to tell her what my flashback was about. I sobbed loudly. I wasn’t upset about the flashback itself, I was pissed off that I can’t even control my own mind. How am I some tough survivor when I can’t even control something as simple as mind. I was outraged that I was so weak and felt so little. I told myself that I would never let anyone make me feel that way again and I was under attack from myself. How is anyone supposed to cope with that. Its like a sick joke. I keep having nightmares and I am terrified to sleep. I don’t want to close my eyes because I know that horrific monsters are just waiting for me. Its a horrible,  undescribable feeling when the demons you are scared of are inside your own mind. I don’t want to tell anyone. I have told my sister a few times but I hate putting all of my issues onto someone else. I’m ashamed that I can’t stop it. I literally want to tear my hair out and my self worth is plummeting. I consider my self logical and rational and it is killing me that I am irrationally terrified of illogical fears. Self-doubt is terrifying for me when I am usually so sure of myself. These are the ugly truths that no one talks about. Probably because when you hear about this you pity them or see them as broken. It makes sense that you would. Not all stories have a happy ending and our societies shy away from those that end badly. I still have time to figure out this mess so I guess I will hope that it gets better.

The Monsters

Stress Free Living

The Effects of Stress

Stress Free Living

Stress Relief Activities

Stress Relief

Stress

Good Lord. There is si much to say about stress! We all go through it everyday is a million different situations. For teens it is school, parents,  grades, partners,  and peer pressure are just a few stressors. For adults it could be bills, kids, spouses, jobs, and a number of other things! Thing us, we all have stress but not all of us know how to deal with it! Here is a list of coping skills to deal with all the stuff thrown at us daily!

Coping Skills
1. Take a bath
2. MUSIC!  Listen to it, write it, play it!
3. Write poetry
4. Write a letter to yourself or someone else
5. Pray is your religious
6. Meditate
7. Go for a walk
8. Take pictures of nature
9. Go snuggle with a pet
10. Take a hot shower
11. Go jam to your favorite songs
12. Draw with chalk, charcoal, pencils,  markers, crayons or whatever else!
13. Go exercise!
14. Sing really loud!
15. Start a book
16. Read
17. Watch a comedy
18. Write a list of what you are stressed about
19. Hang out with your pals!
20. Have a movie night filled with snacks!

Comment some of your coping skills!