I haven’t written in years. I have a habit of isolating when I go through tough times and holding on so tight to the good that I don’t get around to writing about it I suppose. Right now it isn’t good nor bad. I am in the home run right before a shit storm so I am just ignoring all of the little stuff right now and trying to squeeze in some numb. Last May my abuser/father got released from prison on a mistrial. The reason for the mistrial is minute and irrelevant, but obviously the impact the mistrial had was significant.I was inconsolable for a long while. I haven’t ever considered myself very emotional or a big crier, but when I heard my abuser was out I would break down in the middle of doing small activities, like dishes. I would become weak in the knees and would start out doing a productive activity and end up in a ball on the kitchen floor. Eventually I accepted it and have been waiting the subpoena.
I finally got the subpoena in December and found out the trial date would be over my birthday, and was once again reduced to a pitiful place. After that I spiraled out a little bit. I was cutting again and it was just a mess. Got over that…again.
So I got my new subpoena and gave myself a day. I’m not giving any more of my time for it. I went through a rough time because so many things happened at once: packed for college, moved (our family moved) from a two-story house into a one-bedroom apartment, gave up the only pup I’ve ever called my own (he actually kept me from cutting for a long while), graduated high school, went to Phoenix to visit old friends and booked a flight to Michigan for a family reunion. It is worth mentioning that after I saved up money for months to fly to Michigan by myself for this goddamn family reunion (my first in 3-5 years) I got my subpoena that is dated the day after I arrive to three days before my booked flight home…so basically I saved up so that the State of Michigan doesn’t have to pay my flight for court.
I am kind of freaked out about court to be honest. I know everybody says that truth wins and blah blah blah…but it doesn’t always win. Court is really about playing the jury and portraying a sympathetic character, so the truth actually has nothing to do with it and I could lose, even though the truth is “on my side”. On top of all this, my siblings (the ones who are “on my side”) are fighting with the brother I am closest to. He won’t “pick sides”. To be frank, I don’t want him to because he doesn’t deserve any of this. The siblings are pissed because they want him to grow up and be an adult and choose my side because otherwise “he is unhealthy too” but he is 19. I don’t understand why no one understands that he shouldn’t even have to be involved. He just got subpoenaed and that broke my heart. He naively thought he could just refuse to answer my abuser/father’s lawyer…he told me he was nervous about getting subpoenaed but that was his plan was to just not answered. I explained that that isn’t how it works, that made him extremely anxious and then I found out he did get his subpoena today…I texted him and he won’t answer right now. I wish that my shit storm was my shit storm and the ones I loved didn’t get dragged into it.
This whole situation is just a mess. Thanks for listening. I promise to write more often.