Update: Still a Mess

Dear Diary,

I haven’t written in years. I have a habit of isolating when I go through tough times and holding on so tight to the good that I don’t get around to writing about it I suppose. Right now it isn’t good nor bad. I am in the home run right before a shit storm so I am just ignoring all of the little stuff right now and trying to squeeze in some numb. Last May my abuser/father got released from prison on a mistrial. The reason for the mistrial is minute and irrelevant, but obviously the impact the mistrial had was significant.I was inconsolable for a long while. I haven’t ever considered myself very emotional or a big crier, but when I heard my abuser was out I would break down in the middle of doing small activities, like dishes. I would become weak in the knees and would start out doing a productive activity and end up in a ball on the kitchen floor. Eventually I accepted it and have been waiting the subpoena.

I finally got the subpoena in December and found out the trial date would be over my birthday, and was once again reduced to a pitiful place. After that I spiraled out a little bit. I was cutting again and it was just a mess. Got over that…again.

So I got my new subpoena and gave myself a day. I’m not giving any more of my time for it. I went through a rough time because so many things happened at once: packed for college, moved (our family moved) from a two-story house into a one-bedroom apartment, gave up the only pup I’ve ever called my own (he actually kept me from cutting for a long while), graduated high school, went to Phoenix to visit old friends and booked a flight to Michigan for a family reunion. It is worth mentioning that after I saved up money for months to fly to Michigan by myself for this goddamn family reunion (my first in 3-5 years) I got my subpoena that is dated the day after I arrive to three days before my booked flight home…so basically I saved up so that the State of Michigan doesn’t have to pay my flight for court.

I am kind of freaked out about court to be honest. I know everybody says that truth wins and blah blah blah…but it doesn’t always win. Court is really about playing the jury and portraying a sympathetic character, so the truth actually has nothing to do with it and I could lose, even though the truth is “on my side”. On top of all this, my siblings (the ones who are “on my side”) are fighting with the brother I am closest to. He won’t “pick sides”. To be frank, I don’t want him to because he doesn’t deserve any of this. The siblings are pissed because they want him to grow up and be an adult and choose my side because otherwise “he is unhealthy too” but he is 19. I don’t understand why no one understands that he shouldn’t even have to be involved. He just got subpoenaed and that broke my heart. He naively thought he could just refuse to answer my abuser/father’s lawyer…he told me he was nervous about getting subpoenaed but that was his plan was to just not answered. I explained that that isn’t how it works, that made him extremely anxious and then I found out he did get his subpoena today…I texted him and he won’t answer right  now. I wish that my shit storm was my shit storm and the ones I loved didn’t get dragged into it.

This whole situation is just a mess. Thanks for listening. I promise to write more often.

Loving Every Body

image

I’ve heard so many things lately that make me want to rip my hair out–which is what inspired me to write on this topic.

Things like:
“Rate me?”
“Aren’t all girls insecure about their bodies?”
“I’m not going to prom. I’m fat.”

I have been asked several times about why and how I am so comfortable with my body. So I decided to share little things that gave a huge boost to  my body confidence!

*Let me note that I am overweight and I am not some health nut trying to tell you to love yourself, I too have a bakers dozen.

My “Steps”

1. Recognize what your body is capable of.

Sometimes it is easy to see all of our flaws and none of our beauties, that is why it’s so important to acknowledge the amazing feats that our bodies can accomplish! For example, I started exercising regularly and found that it completely boosted my appreciation towards my body–not because I was shedding pounds–because I would run two miles and not die. I appreciated my body for being able to roll around, walk, jog, and jump without pain. I thank my body for healing itself from wounds and all of the amazing things it does. Admiring your body for the little triumphs can go a long way in boosting your body image!

2. Show compassion
We are all too quick to show understanding and compassion to others, yet we rarely or hesitantly show compassion to ourselves. Change doesn’t come overnight! Whether that change is physical or physiological it is crucial to give yourself the same love, patience, and understanding that you would offer to a loved one.

3. Self-Reflection. Literally.
Everyone has those days where they feel insecure. One of the best ways to overcome insecurity is to do the opposite of what you want to do: stand in the mirror and look at the parts of your body that you’re not proud of, such as belly fat, cellulite, larger thighs, etc. Stand there and don’t move until you have poured compliments over yourself (not the “what a lovely home you have” compliments. Genuine compliments that you mean). They don’t have to be you telling yourself that you are the hottest person alive, it can start with admiring how natural you are. Admiring freckles, skin, or strong stance. Admiring curves or sturdy legs that can ride a bike for two miles! Sometimes I do this ritual and if I take too long then I just walk around in a sports and pants until I feel comfortable with the part I am most insecure about: my stomach. This is the most helpful step for me personally. It forces me to see the beautiful attributes I have, despite my small insecurities.

4. Don’t Pinch and Pull
Please don’t stand in the mirror and pinch your skin or flub or try to pull your body into the shape you want it. It will only bring you down and blind you from your true beauty. The truth is, you see what you look for. If you are looking for flaws then you will unfortunately find them.

5. Don’t body compare
Please don’t look at Kate Upton for body inspiration if you have a pear shape figure. Or look for fashion inspo from Tyra if you look like Adel. That is setting yourself up for failure. To be honest, it’s pointless to compare bodies to celebrities because they can afford plastic surgery  and there is a lot of photo shop and such involved so they are not the most positive inspiration for your body image. Body comparing just leads to disappointment, everyone is different and uniquely beautiful.

I sincerely hope this helps. It is so disheartening when women feel that they have to be gratified by other people to feel good about themselves because every body is unique and beautiful in its own way.

Botanists say that dandelions are weeds, yet many others see them as art. Its all about perception.

image

A Tale of Survival

You take a girl. You coddle her, cuddle her, and care for her. This girl is weak and soft to the world. She needs to be babied and told that everything is going to be alright. While this continues, you are naive to the things being done to her and the things she has done. A change has begun. Abuse, drugs, and manipulation have turned this naive girl into a very confused woman before she has even lived a decade. After living through such things and learning what the world is really about, she is a survivor. A survivor who seemingly stands tall on her own. You don’t see the phantoms of support holding her erect. Phantoms because they know not why, how, or even what is happening; they just support. Now tear the phantoms from the girl-What is she now?- and miraculously she has not fallen; not completely. She kneels in her stubborn way. Unwilling to fall just yet. New phantoms come and help her to stand again. She is thriving; until again and again, every so often,  the support is ripped away. Yes she is a survivor, but how many times can one fall to their knees before finally collapsing to the ground? People are like fields. You can only grow and harvest so much from a field before the soil is unwilling to yield more crops; unwilling to face an inevitable fate of back and forth; pain and loss. This survivor went from being a girl unknowing of tragedy or grief to a woman constantly weathering the never-ending storm that is reality. This  survivor is stuck between the childhood she never got to finish and the adulthood that, although came much too soon, allowed her to survive. This girl is tired of surviving. She wants to live.

She can’t live without surviving; but surviving isn’t truly living; is it?

The Teen Baby Boom

What is with this trend of teenage girls TRYING to get pregnant?! I’m unsure about whether this is a new thing or whether I am just starting to notice it. I am constantly seeing “I’m sixteen and I want to have a baby.” all over social media! Every time I see it I just get so angry. Obviously they are thinking that babies are these cute, cuddly, convenient beings that exist solely to give teenage girls purpose as well as provide the love and affection that the girls felt they weren’t getting from their parents. Personally, this makes me sick as there are basically 4 ways that these types of situations go: 1. They have an abortion because their parents don’t feel like raising the baby or the teenager made a mistake, thus ending a life (controversial topic for another time) because of laziness and/or lack of rationale. 2. The teenager gives the baby up for adoption-which technically could go horribly wrong or really well, either way leaving the child wondering what they did wrong for their parents to give them up. 3. The teenager keeps the child and things go wrong-drugs or kicked out or drop out of school or too irresponsible to raise the child and that child is stuck with undeserving parents. 4. Miraculously and with hard work the baby is raised in a stable home. Three of these situations are so unfair to that poor kid because they can’t choose their parents.

What do teenagers expect to pay for raising a child? Assuming that they do actually consider it-which is a stretch-there is no way that they would have an accurate idea otherwise they would choose to avoid pregnancy. It was estimated to cost an upwards of $240,000 not including college to raise a child until 18.  It is so unrealistic thinking that a mere child of 16 can work for minimum wage and raise a child.

Something has got to happen to change this! I don’t know if its a parent problem, a school problem, or even a societal problem but it is certainly an urgent problem.

Take Me to Church by Hozier

My lover’s got humor
She’s the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody’s disapproval
I should’ve worshiped her sooner

If the Heavens ever did speak
She is the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

‘We were born sick,’ you heard them say it

My church offers no absolution
She tells me, ‘Worship in the bedroom’
The only heaven I’ll be sent to
Is when I’m alone with you

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I’m a pagan of the good times
My lover’s the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

To drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That’s a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We’ve a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No masters or kings
When the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean
Amen. Amen. Amen

[Chorus 2x]

 

 

I love this song. I think I heard it when my sister played it. I thought it was peculiar and blew it off, until I literally couldn’t get a certain lyric out of my head and the tune kept replaying and it was driving me nuts. Then I had my friend look it up and its one of those songs that just…spoke to my soul. I know that sounds awkward but once in a while I hear a song that feels so relevant and it makes me feel…understood I guess. Anyways, when I hear said songs I tend to binge. Past songs have been “Never Too Late” by Three Days Grace, “Home” by Three Days Grace, several songs by Eminem and P!nk, and many others. I feel like these these songs express what I can’t. I irritate myself so much because I just want to lash out and say whatever I want but I feel like I have to be so politically correct and not upset or outspoken. Alright, end rant. Still an amazing song though.

50 Stress Relievers

delete 2For a lot of people, especially teens, this month and next month are going to be some of the most stressful. School is starting or just started and there are a million different things going on. If you have a job, you will now have to balance going to school and working, not to mention homework and trying to find time for friends and family. When you just start back to school, you have to deal with school supply and clothes shopping, getting on a completely knew sleeping schedule, school paperwork and now trying to find classes and dealing with friends who you might not have seen, drama that hasn’t finished (or just started) and that’s the stuff you deal with before school even really starts! When school actually gets going, it doesn’t seem to get better, you just feel like you are getting more and more behind.

I just started school and balancing a blog on top or homework, wanting to sleep in, and trying to find time to appease everyone in my life and I know that other teens are feeling the pressure, that is why I chose to write about this as of now! I wanted to post a list of things that people can do to relieve some stress. 

delete 1

1. Meditate http://www.how-to-meditate.org/

2. Breathe Deeply http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletters/Harvard_Mental_Health_Letter/2009/May/Take-a-deep-breath

3. Reach out, talk about it, vent!

4. Exercise, long walk means reflection time, hard exercise means frustration release

5. Laugh! Known stress reliever! Look up Jaboody Dubs on youtube

6. Listen to upbeat music for invigoration or soothing music as a stress relief

7. List Things You are Grateful for

8. Accept that You Cant Control Everything

9. Stay Positive, Focus on the Good

10. Do Something You Enjoy

11. Take a Bath

12. Go for a Walk

13. Buy Yourself Some Flowers

14. Go to the Park, Enjoy Nature

15. Indulge Your Favorite Treats

16. DANCE AROUND

17. Read a Book/Magazine You Like

18. Curl Up With A Cup of Something Hot

19. Get a Manicure or Pedicure

20. Get a Massage

21. Stretch

22. Cook a New Dish

23. Watch a Good Movie

24. Meet Up with a Friend

25. Spend Time with Your Pets

26. Write About how Awesome You Are

27. Do Something Artistic

28. Clean Your Environment

29. Take Yourself on a Date

30. Find Something to Be Thankful for

31. Volunteer

32. Paint or Photography

33. Try Aromatherapy

34. Burn Scented Candles

35. Daydream for 10 Minutes

36. Bake

37. Try Yoga

38. Play a Musical Instrument

39. Wear Pajamas

40. Chew Gum

41. Repeat Affirmations

42. Eat Dark Chocolate

42. Listen to Sounds of Nature

43. Ask for a Hug

44. Go to Bed

45. Focus on the Big Picture

46. Let Go of Unimportant Things

47. If Overwhelmed, set the timer for 30 minutes, try to get whatever you have to do in that time, whatever you cant do can wait.

48. Cut Out People Who Are Unsupportive or Unhelpful 

49. Go to bed and let yourself sleep an ample amount

50. Look at scrapbooks, old stories, or other sentimental items that remind you of good memories

 

delete 3

Joys of Babysitting annnd More

First order of business, I havent posted in FOREVER. Why? Because I lost my phone. I somehow managed to loose my phone in my house. I literally didn’t leave the house at all and I think I lost it in my couch. Then, a week later on the same day at around the same time, I lost the remote in the couch. I finally tore my couch to pieces and after flipping it back and forth for an hour, the remote dropped out. Then I keep tearing it apart to find my phone and its not there. Its been a month and still no sign, so I give up on that. BUT! I got a job, as previously mentioned and I love it. I am taking 2 college classes and an honors class so I have almost 5 or 6 hours of homework a night but I go to work immediately after school so I end up trying to do it there.

I babysit 4 beautiful children and I love them to death. I’m not going to give names because I haven’t checked with the parents, There is a 3 month old baby girl who never cries and if she does, she is quickly soothed. She is the cutest lil nugget who is so big for her age! She is also very fun when made to dance. (I make her dance to the song Peanut Butter Jelly Time) She smiles real big if you smile at her, pinch her cheeks, or make noises.

The second youngest is a little boy. The three youngest are mixed, creole and white, so they have really light skin. The little boy is 1, almost 2, and he is the cutest…ever. His hair is super curly and he only has a few teeth. He walks, sometimes like a dinosaur which is ADORABLE, make millions of different noises, always wants to cuddle, makes a huge mess out of every meal and has the sweetest smile. Even when he cries, he is still adorable. To punish/ keep him out of stuff, we spray him with a squirt bottle. I know this sounds cruel but its better than spanking and he gets the point. Once I aimed the spray bottle as a warning and he shaped his hand like a gun and started making shooting noises. How can you even punish him like that?! Or he will run into his older sister’s room and curl up in her blankets on the bed and I will follow him to pull him out. Then he’ll look up and do his big ol’ smile then curl up more and I totally melt.

The next oldest is a little girl. She is 3 and also has super curly hair and the biggest brown puppy eyes that I have ever seen. She has these incredibly long lashes and dimples and she is totally darling. She cant say my name right, Brandy, so she says  Bwonwy. She is the biggest pain in the butt ever but she looks so sweet! False advertising is what that is. She gets in so much trouble! She also is a huge snuggler and is just so lovable!

The next oldest is 7 and she is dark skinned with straight-ish hair. She cute in a never. stops. talking. kind of way. lol and its always nonsense! She is so smart and she is generally very well behaved and sweet. She seriously, never stops talking. Ever. She also has an explanation for everything. I work along with their oldest sibling who is one of my best friends. I seriously love this job because the kids are amazing and my friend is always very amusing! It barely even seems like work. My employer is the best. She is super funny, easy going, and great to be around. I am so lucky to have found such an awesome job. 

Adults Through New Eyes

I have come across yet another startling revelation, how many is that now? Moving on…adults are senile. I have concocted a list of a very few things that adults do that make me want to hug them…with a rope…around the neck.

Things That Adults Do

1. Exaggerate about everyting

2. Compare their lives to yours, miraculously everything they had to go through is harder

3. Adore lists

4. Try to organize everything into visuals (grocery list, budget, address book)

5. Forget…everything…frequently

6. Make old people noises (when their 30)

7. Complain about their body and aging

8. Talk about how old they are

9. Say “back in my day”

10. Say “respect your elders”

11. Laugh at jokes that only old people laugh at

12. Their childhood is way harder than it actually was…” when I was your age…I had to walk to school…3 miles….through the snow….uphill….both ways…and I got frostbite…” ugh. Grandma…you can’t walk up hill both ways…and you were homeschooled…and you live in Arizona where it never snows..so basically YOUR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD IS A LIE!

13. Get tired really fast and all they want to do is lay…and watch dumb shows about other adults laying and watching dumb shows

14. Complain about everything including about how much someone else complains

15. Eat bland food

16. Like monotony and rituals and other boring things

17. Like old people activities and never leave the house..”Hey jen we should go to the movies or get froyo”
“shh. I want to go sit outside in a chair and stare at the wall in 100°…*insert old person noise*”

18. Hate children and/or teenagers for being young and vibrant and full of opportunity.

19. Be rational and plan things

20. Smell like DEATH and have veiny feet and hands that remind everyone of DEATH

…I think that just about covers it…

Forgiveness…or lack of

Forgiveness is fake. I have had three counselors that I remember and have had countless people tell me to forgive the people who have hurt me. I’ve been pressured since I was ten to forgive and I thought I had…but I have always had a sense that forgiveness is bull. Let me elaborate: forgiving yourself is essential to healing, but if you were abused, raped, beaten, verbally assaulted then I think that forgiveness is fake. You have already given that person countless things: your confidence, your self worth, years of your life…and now forgiveness too? Hell no! They can go find forgiveness for themselves, I’ve given enough! Not to say that forgiving that other person is bad, but I am certainly not going to give time nor effort searching for forgiveness for them. I am so tired of people telling me that the Christian thing is to forgive. God forgives. Not me. I think my stance on this was reinforced by two things: an amazing book that my fabulous sister got for me, ” The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis” (I wasn’t paid to advertise for them…though I probably should have been) and I started babysitting the cutest three children. One of the littlest girls is a doll, the cutest sweetest thing, and I thought…what if the things that happened to me, god forbid, happened to her? Everyone would die…mass slaughter. I wouldn’t forgive that person even after I had strung them up, slit their throat, and left them to bleed out. Forgiveness is fake! I don’t hear anyone saying we should forgive Hitler. No one says to forgive Nazis… That’s probably because its fake. I’m so tired of down playing things and being compliant and calm. I want to rage. I’m not going to shut my mouth, bite my tongue, or calm down ANYMORE. Unless Jenny tells me too…but she doesn’t count lol. I have yet to be angry at the people who have hurt me. I have never really went berserk or just let myself go off. I’ve never hit someone below the belt or said anything that might hurt them. And not once will I ever forgive someone unless I’m doing it soley for me ever again. Forgiveness is fake…unless it is made to mean something.